The silent treatment is just one of many tools that abusers
use to tear you apart. Abusers use the silent treatment to shut you out, ignore
you, and punish you. It’s to make you feel excluded and voiceless. It’s a
method of emotional abuse that has very real psychological harms. When you’re
ignored by someone, you feel alone and insignificant, like you don’t
matter.
The silent treatment makes you constantly on edge and
wondering, “what did I do wrong?” You didn’t do anything wrong. And if you did
do something, it certainly doesn’t warrant such a cruel punishment. The point
is to make you suffer and to give them a sense of control over you. You let
them win if you’re in pain over being ignored, especially if you show that
you’re suffering.
Realize that you did nothing wrong, and if they were a
rational human being, they’d be more than willing to talk things out with you
in order to form understanding and a resolution. Normal people talk things out;
they don’t withhold attention as a punishment.
Sometimes, the silent treatment happens on accident – the
person simply wants time alone to cool off and think about the situation.
However, it is often used as a form of emotional abuse. How do you know the
difference? If it happens frequently, and lasts longer and longer each time,
it’s likely abuse. It is also considered abuse if it seems like it’s being done
to punish you for something you did “wrong.” Otherwise, you may notice that
you’ve recently changed your behavior in order to avoid getting the silent
treatment, or that the silent treatment only ends once you apologize, beg, or
give in to their demands.
What should you do to fix it? If the person is giving you
the silent treatment as a way to hurt you, the best thing you can do is to
separate yourself from this person. It is highly likely that they do not want
to come to a resolution – they simply want to cause you pain. Once the
situation calms down, they will likely give you the silent treatment again in
the future.
However, there are some situations in which you are unable
or unwilling to leave this person. If this happens, state that you need a time
to get together to work things out. Once you are both able to meet face-to-face
to talk, offer solutions on how to fix the problem, as well as how to improve
communication for the future. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and set
firm boundaries on what behavior you will and will not tolerate. You may also
suggest counseling to help you both work on your communication issues. If this
person is truly toxic and refuses to change, you should consider ending the
relationship or friendship.
There are also situations in which a rational person does
not intend to hurt you, but resorts to the silent treatment as a way to take
time for themselves. If this happens, you can take a gentle approach and make
it about them. Tell the person that you noticed they’ve stopped talking to you,
and that you want to know why because you want to make things better with them.
If they insist on more alone time, give them space, but also say that you want
to set a time to talk.
Furthermore, you can also tell the person how this behavior
is making you feel to make them understand how their behavior is affecting you.
If this is a more isolated incident that got out of hand, you can ignore it
until it blows over. Try to distract yourself and don’t dwell on the situation
– that can only drag down your mental health and well-being.
What are bad ways to handle the silent treatment? Do not get angry, as that will only escalate the situation. Do not threaten to end the relationship as a way to get them to talk to you – only threaten to end the relationship if you are seriously thinking of doing it. Do not beg, plead, or apologize just to end the silent treatment – this encourages their behavior and forces you to accept blame for something you never did. Additionally, you are never to blame for the way others treat you, so don’t take it personally.
