Every friendship and relationship has roadblocks every now and then. Typically, friends or partners are able to talk through these problems and come to a resolution. However, toxic and abusive people often instigate these problems and then prevent a resolution from being formed. If you have ever been ignored or given the silent treatment when trying to work out a problem with someone, you may have been the victim of stonewalling. This blog post will discuss what stonewalling means, how it impacts relationships, and what to do to get through it.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is when a person withdraws from a conversation or discussion that needs to be had, or refusing to address your concerns or to work out a resolution. It is a form of emotional abuse meant to control and manipulate the victim. What does stonewalling look like? This person might reject your requests to talk, ignore your texts or calls, change the subject, give vague responses, reply with dismissive or invalidating statements, or walk out of the room when you try to talk.

Why is Stonewalling Done?

In abusive relationships or friendships, stonewalling is used to devalue, demean, and belittle the victim. It makes the victim feel insignificant, invisible, and intimidated. It is also done to provoke a certain response from the victim – a desperation to win back the abuser’s attention and approval. It can be used as punishment (“You deserve this because of what you did”) or to help them get their own way (“I won’t talk to you until I get what I want”).

Stonewalling and The Silent Treatment

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are often used hand-in-hand as a method of emotional abuse. After ignoring or rejecting your requests to have a discussion, the person might shut you out altogether and refuse to talk to you at all. This is meant to assert their control over you, to silence your attempts to assert yourself and your boundaries, to avoid accountability for their own faults, or to punish you for your actions. Oftentimes, it is done without any explanation, leaving you to wonder what you did wrong.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy

Stonewalling can sometimes occur in healthy relationships as a defense or coping mechanism, or as a way to cool off or take a break from the situation. These conflicts are typically resolved over time when both sides communicate their needs and come to a resolution.

However, stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse that is often used by narcissists, sociopaths, and other abusers with the intent to harm others. In these cases, stonewalling is callus, cold, and manipulative. It isn’t just a way to gain distance, but is used as leverage to cause intense emotional pain and to gain control. It tells the victim, “You are not worth talking to. Your feelings don’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me.”

The Psychological Effects

Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, and it even registers in the brain the same way as physical abuse. Stonewalling and other ostracizing behaviors activate the anterior cingulate cortex, which is a part in the brain that detects physical pain. Being ignored in this way can quite literally feel painful.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment take a toll on a victim’s psychological well-being. They can cause overwhelming feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and inadequacy, and can even lead to depression, drug or alcohol use, or suicidal thoughts or actions. When used in a relationship, stonewalling can lower feelings of intimacy, exacerbate conflict, and reduce the ability of both partners to communicate in healthy, effective, and meaningful ways.

How to Handle It

Stonewalling can be fixed in healthy relationships where both partners are willing to work on their toxic traits. Since healthy people want to communicate and repair the relationship, pointing out these flaws and finding ways to work past them is usually effective.

However, it cannot be helped in an abusive relationship, as abusers are generally unwilling to work on themselves or their personal relationships. You cannot please a partner who refuses to be pleased, and you cannot work out your problems with someone who refuses to do so. Abusers thrive off the drama and the pain they are causing you, and they are doing this to provoke a certain reaction from you. Instead of scrambling for their attention and begging for forgiveness, reevaluate your relationship and consider if it’s worth it to salvage the relationship.

If you think your friend or partner is being abusive, the best thing to do is walk away. Use this period of quiet to figure out ways you can care for yourself and get the support you need to leave this person. Remember: a true friend or partner will make an effort to meet your needs, not shut you out. You deserve to be seen and heard, and to have healthy relationships where your thoughts and feelings are acknowledged and cared for.