It takes a lot of strength to assert boundaries, to speak up for
myself. My mouth seems incapable of forming the word, “no.” How the tongue
presses up against the roof of the mouth for Nnnnnn and the lips shape into a
circle Ooooooh. NO. I know the word. But I cannot say it. No sound comes out,
like in those nightmares when you scream and scream but the sound catches in
your throat.
There is a man who is following me on the train. Stalking me would
be a more appropriate word. He follows me wherever I go, I feel his eyes
burning on my skin. I feel afraid to go to work. I am not the one in the wrong
– he is. But it’s so hard to assert my boundaries, to tell him to stop.
I had to work up the courage for days. The day I was supposed to
confront him, I chickened out. But today, I did it. My brain shut off because I
was so scared. I went into auto drive and stayed firm. When I walked away, my
whole body was shaking so bad that I fell down the stairs on the way out. I
thought that made me weak. But the reason I fell down the stairs was because I
had used all the strength I had in my body that I had nothing left for minutes
afterwards. I am strong. I am able to direct all my strength into something if
I truly believe in myself.
I am trying so hard to not be a doormat anymore. My spine is
slowly snaking up my back, growing like the tall stalk of a sunflower. One day,
I will not be spineless. One day, I will be strong and rigid. I will turn my
soft voice into fire. I won’t smile when I’m afraid – I will bare my teeth and
snarl. Turn myself into a don’t fucking touch me I will ruin you type of bitch.
I will own the word bitch. Because bitch has never meant “mean” or “stuck up.”
Bitch has always meant a woman who stood up for herself, who didn’t take
anyone’s shit, who knew how to say the word “no.”
[JW]
